HELPLESSNESS in my relationships as held me captive for many years and I wanted to just write it out and see where it took me.
Helplessness often results when one partner assumes full control over the relationship and attacks the other partner’s competence.
There has been too many times that this has happen in the relationships I have had and not just romantic relationships, but with my children, my family and friends too. I have often wondered what I have done to engender this choice in other people, and still taking responsibility for the abuse I have suffered.
I am sometimes like a rabbit stuck in the head lights and do not make any decisions just for myself. Instead I have learned to wait to “if” and “if only”.
One person makes all the decision. This is what is happening in all my relationships at that time and I have no say in anything they decided.
I sometimes stand in the room and listen to their logic and knew that there is no connection between us at all, because there is little truth in the way they interact with me. There is no warmth just condemnation.
That person does not hesitate to ridicule or criticize the other in public and in private Well its all done in the name of “fun” and it is the open session on my stupidity and of course I have learnt how to self deprecating on cue and this is the role I slip into when I feel under attack. It takes the sting out of the tail of criticism and put me back in control at least in the short-term.
Words like “stupid,” “ignorant,” or “incompetent” are common.
Not long ago I worked with a group of people who went out of their way to find fault with everything I did to the point that I changed shifts to get away from their criticism and judgements. Even then notes were left for me to let me that I was still the scapegoat and I better not forget it. I ended up leaving this wonderful job and landed in a much worse place because somehow I began to believe them.
The abusing partner offers no reassurance, stability, or commitment. This pattern goes throughout my life, there are many other words I could put here to fill this out, but really I want to describe the fallout to this behaviour instead. Some years ago I realized that I had not really committed to my life and most of the time I just felt that I was slipping down a mountain of words that described me has a failure. The behaviour was that I moved all the time In fact I am still doing this and now I am fighting with a demon that wants me to believe that I can not be successful and I really I should just sit still and not try to play the part so well. In my defense I am aware of this type of behaviour and have taken steps to countermand it by using the emotional freedom technique.
It is impossible to predict either the behavior or the feelings of the abusing partner or of the relationship.
I just did’nt know where people where and where they were coming from. If I told them the good things that are happening they ignore me. On the other hand when there is drama they are there saying never mind life is like that. I wanted something different and I now know I have changed so much that even I don’t recognize myself sometimes I am getting to know the new me the healthy me.
Behaviour is characterized by the “off-again, on-again” pattern or by the abusing partner being often unavailable.Actions that produce pleasure one day may provoke verbal or even physical abuse the next.
I have stopped that pattern altogether and now “Love don’t live here anymore there is just an empty space”I can live with this, it’s so hard sometimes and the loneliness drowns me with its silence but at least I am in control of this environment.
“Hostility typically takes the form of aggression, anger, rage and irritability.”
In the last three years my daughter introduced a partner to the family and he communicated in that way mostly, it didn’t matter what said to him he was taking command and his hostile reaction to anything that didn’t fit with what he thought was frightening at times.
The abused person responds in kind to the partner’s behavior, either openly or privately:
The last relationship I had I went down this path and even ended up, beating up my partner, after being taken to a party and being left at the top of the garden with only the dog to talk to I began to drink which is complete poison for me, anyway at the end of the night I was in the marque and so drunk I couldn’t really see I walked towards a slit where the light was coming in and tried to get out. My partner accused me of trying to knock the marque down. I went mad and we were driving and i just kept hitting him. I lost it for about two hours with everything coming out, and I raged so much I really frighten myself at the level of hostility I felt.
The open hostility would be characterized by a raised voice, hurtful or angry words, or accusations against the partner. He didn’t finish with me, which unnerved me because had he done that to me I would have never seen him again. but of course he didn’t he needed to punish me for my stepping out of line.
Private hostility includes such things as hidden resentment, plotted revenge, and private negative fantasies. My imagination went into overdrive, I was looking for the retribution all the time, the trust and the feeling s of being abandoned were just under the surface, and I became very defensive with everyone. Of course this linked into all the emotions of being a child who had been sexually abused, so I slipped in and out of my child like state. Just around that time the flash backs started again and life started to run away from me again.
The hostility may also be internalized as guilt or anger. My hostility raged and became a fire, I couldn’t be with anyone for a while I just beat myself up continually, my emotions ran riot and I became very depressed and withdrawn and out of control. Along with these emotions I had raging grief and wounds opened wide and no support.
Frustration results when the abusing partner fails to satisfy needs for affection, intimacy, attention, acceptance, approval, reassurance, praise, or any other emotional need.
When I first met my last partner I realized that I had not really learned the skills that other people had how to pass the courting phase, and jumped in with both feet. I made a huge assumption that he felt the same. On the outside he worked has a carer, and was very pleasant to everyone, was logical and a great listener. He was all those things and continued until I was sucked to his world and then slowly and innocently, suggestions were presented has if it was nothing out of the ordinary and I really need to “lighten up”
He forced me to do things that I would never had done with anyone else. The new part of me wasn’t having it. I became a detective and it didn’t matter what I did it was never enough, he praised everyone else and never mentioned my achievements, I just wasn’t good enough. He would work the room whilst I stood alone in the corner, but of course I didn’t my new bit of me went off and danced and sang and had a life completely to myself but these were short moments of reprieve because in the depth of the night I cried and raged. .
The rest of it lays before you here I can’t write anymore so I may come back to this and continue but if any of this relates to you just get out face the fear and find your true self.
CYNICISM Any action which constitutes a betrayal or abuse of trust is likely to result in cynicism. Obviously having an affair with another person fits into this category. Additionally, patterns of borrowing money which is never repaid, making promises which are seldom kept, or sharing information given in confidence will likely produce cynicism.
LOSS OF SELF-ESTEEM “This sign includes feelings of diminished self-worth, inadequacy, negative self-image, reduced self-confidence, and deterioration of self-respect, with associated depression.”Choosing to stay in a relationship in which a person feels devalued inevitably leads to increased loss of self-esteem. Loss of self-esteem happens through a cycle of faulty logic: First, you recognize that you are in a relationship in which you feel unloved, unworthy, and mistreated. That you would choose such a relationship causes you to doubt your judgment. Your try to “fix” it by changing yourself or your partner, but when that doesn’t work you conclude that you not only have poor judgment, you also are inept at relationship skills. Thus, you reason that “people get what they deserve,” and since you are being treated badly, you must deserve it. Obviously, then, the only thing for you to do is to accept the treatment since you “don’t deserve nor could hope for a better relationship.
HOPELESSNESS Hopelessness usually results after many vain attempts to communicate the need for a change, with the partner ignoring all approaches. A person who recognizes a lack of responsiveness is their partner should be warned from the beginning that the relationship is developing in an unhealthy way and there is likely trouble ahead.
THE SOURCE OF HEALING Individuals and relationships do not have to succumb to hopelessness.Counseling is available to help both the abused and the abuser work through issues of self-esteem, communications, expectations,personal goals, and patterns of relating.
These seven signs and their descriptions are adapted from Chapter 4 of Lethal Lovers and Poisonous People, by
Harriet B. Braiker, published by Pocket Books. Chapter 3 offers a self-diagnostic quiz to help an individual check the extent to which the “seven deadly signs” may be present with reference to a relationship.