Learning the Art of Writing

Posts tagged ‘anger’

Exile from Intimacy into the Shame of Keeping Secrets.


The Secret is a book that lights many thousands of people’s eyes up, but its  not that secret but the Secret  that only serves one person ~  that’s the  one who  wants it keeping. They want it kept because it is something they should not be doing and do not want other people  finding out. The pressure to kept the secret quiet, creates a deep level of anxiety for both people, the one who is keeping and the one maintaining it. Deeper, somehow for the one who is being made to keep it I think.

A secret could be that someone is being abused and are being cohered into keeping the secret and then once the secret is kept the abuser assumes a new power and it is your power of free speach they have used against you. This leads to you feeling lonelyness and creates echos of non relationships and very rarely  through out your life would you have ever  expeirenced the real you.

So “Unless the victim can find some permission and power to share the secret and unless there is the possibility of an engaging, non-punitive response to disclosure, the child is likely to spend a lifetime in what comes to be a self-imposed exile from intimacy, trust and self-validation.” Roland C. Summit, M.D.

And so the story goes, sitting here this morning reading through the research that goes way back to research done in the 1970.

I was reading some of the processes people go through to get validation and that was a concern of mine at the beginning but just having that one person made all the difference.

That was then and this is now but I still wondered why it it still so hard for people to believe the child when they tell you they have been abused  and also when it is obvious that they are telling the truth.

Its not hard for me to believe them for I have told my dirty little secret many times and when I did for the first time  I was believed by one person who mattered and would not use it against me and which in those days I found  miraculous. Not so  the other members of the family who sort me out and  spate in my face and because I know the fall out of not being believed is devastatingly and the feelings  of shame are over whelming. So we don’t tell and we don’t tell for a long time.

Its like the man who was asked about the green house effect and what did he think and he said “It doesn’t effect me I haven’t got a greenhouse” So we learn to lie deny and hide away from the truth.

“Shadows from the past throws a shadow across today’s sun. How long have you been a child of shame hiding your secret behind the mask.”Ralph Blum The Book of Runes 1982.

When will you tell and how if you got an opportunity to have the perfect scenario how would it work?

Who would you tell first, is this creating knots in your stomach and you feel an aversion to even thinking  about it but if you don’t you take away your get out clause. You really need to over come the pain of it by imagination and Visualization, so you can get doing what you are really meant to be doing,

Finding lost bits of You and Healing.



My Mircle Minute

I subscribed to a newsletter some 2 years ago and every time it comes to me it mirrors my exact situation.

Its  a year ago today since my friend Robert Longbottom passed over and I had not seen him much towards the end I had moved out of the area and was just redecorating the kitchen of the new house.

I was up the step ladder putting some wallpaper on the walls not thinking of anything particular when I felt something behind me and this something stayed for a couple of hours and then left.

I had no way of knowing who it was, for the whole week songs were coming on the radio we shared, someone gave me a Crystal Bible and it reminded me of him and the lovely day we had in Derbyshire. And lots of other things, were coming back to me, wonderful  memories of the empty kitchen and when he blew himself up with the gas leak.

 The reason I am writing this is just to let you know Rob wherever you are I loved you with all my heart but it was so hard to watch you kill yourself and I did not have the strength to stand by and watch that happen.

I have felt guilty ever since like somehow I deserted you in your hour of need. I had to accept that your illness was greater than me and I could not save you.

 So today when this newsletter popped into my mail box I know that the universe helps me on many many levels.

And by the way this man is fantastic Dick Warn and his Miracle Minute:

Pain Is Inevitable

Bad things happen. The passing of a parent, the death of a pet, rejection

from someone important, the loss of something you truly enjoy, and the

list is endless. There is no “pain free” way to live. We build attachments.

 Attachments come to an end. Yet, as Buddha said, “Pain is inevitable.

Suffering is optional.”
Most painful events are followed by shock, anger, denial, and blame.


These emotions are normal. What causes suffering is getting stuck in

anger, denial or blame. Some people make careers out of anger and

Carl Jung, Swiss psychiatrist said, “The greatest and most important


problems in life are all in a certain sense insoluble. They can never be

solved, but only outgrown.”
Outgrowing problems demands acceptance. Acceptance doesn’t mean


 that we like it. Acceptance means we accept the fact that it happened and

 understand that the only thing we can control is our reaction. Some

people choose the path of a survivor and others choose the path of a victim.

 Arthur Gordon, American author said, “Some people confuse acceptance

with apathy, but there’s all the difference in the world. Apathy fails to

distinguish between what can and what cannot be helped; acceptance

makes that distinction. Apathy paralyzes the will-to-action; acceptance

frees it by relieving it of impossible burdens.”
William Cowper, British poet said, “No traveler ever reached that blest


 abode who found not thorns and briers in his road.”
And Thomas Fuller, British clergyman said, “I will not meddle with that


which I cannot mend.”

Dick Warn

Copyright 2009 Richard S. Warn & Associates