Learning the Art of Writing

Posts tagged ‘acceptance’

Exile from Intimacy into the Shame of Keeping Secrets.


The Secret is a book that lights many thousands of people’s eyes up, but its  not that secret but the Secret  that only serves one person ~  that’s the  one who  wants it keeping. They want it kept because it is something they should not be doing and do not want other people  finding out. The pressure to kept the secret quiet, creates a deep level of anxiety for both people, the one who is keeping and the one maintaining it. Deeper, somehow for the one who is being made to keep it I think.

A secret could be that someone is being abused and are being cohered into keeping the secret and then once the secret is kept the abuser assumes a new power and it is your power of free speach they have used against you. This leads to you feeling lonelyness and creates echos of non relationships and very rarely  through out your life would you have ever  expeirenced the real you.

So “Unless the victim can find some permission and power to share the secret and unless there is the possibility of an engaging, non-punitive response to disclosure, the child is likely to spend a lifetime in what comes to be a self-imposed exile from intimacy, trust and self-validation.” Roland C. Summit, M.D.

And so the story goes, sitting here this morning reading through the research that goes way back to research done in the 1970.

I was reading some of the processes people go through to get validation and that was a concern of mine at the beginning but just having that one person made all the difference.

That was then and this is now but I still wondered why it it still so hard for people to believe the child when they tell you they have been abused  and also when it is obvious that they are telling the truth.

Its not hard for me to believe them for I have told my dirty little secret many times and when I did for the first time  I was believed by one person who mattered and would not use it against me and which in those days I found  miraculous. Not so  the other members of the family who sort me out and  spate in my face and because I know the fall out of not being believed is devastatingly and the feelings  of shame are over whelming. So we don’t tell and we don’t tell for a long time.

Its like the man who was asked about the green house effect and what did he think and he said “It doesn’t effect me I haven’t got a greenhouse” So we learn to lie deny and hide away from the truth.

“Shadows from the past throws a shadow across today’s sun. How long have you been a child of shame hiding your secret behind the mask.”Ralph Blum The Book of Runes 1982.

When will you tell and how if you got an opportunity to have the perfect scenario how would it work?

Who would you tell first, is this creating knots in your stomach and you feel an aversion to even thinking  about it but if you don’t you take away your get out clause. You really need to over come the pain of it by imagination and Visualization, so you can get doing what you are really meant to be doing,

Finding lost bits of You and Healing.



Carl Rodgers

carl rodger 
These are some of the books that the humanist author Carl Rodgers has written since he first started practicing as a psychologist and counselling practitioner that I have spent many hours with and this is a small discussion around his genuine attempt to place the individual in their own reality and need to be connected to others on a congruent level. 
The Therapeutic Relationship and its Impact –
A Study of Psychotherapy with Schizophrenics.
Freedom to Learn—
Encounter Groups —
 On personal Power

Carl Rodgers writes of his fundamental belief in the subjective, observing that “ Man lives essentially in his own personal and subjective world and even his most objective functioning, in science mathematics and the like is the result of subjective purpose and subjective choice”

When I first encountered this man’s theories in the early 80’s it was like a weight had been lifted from me. Someone who had a similar belief’d as  mine, and although I had tried hard to practice “absolute positive regard” I then didnt have the language for what i thought and trying to do it for others, fell short because  I was still living with very abused and abusive people, and  still abusing myself  in various  ways. After all it’s what we had learnt to do. When I first came across this theory was like something had sparked me off. Energy had been ignited. When I finally  qualifed  as a  counsellor,  I was training in Nottingham on Heathcote Street where the Mushroom Bookshop had lived for many years, a very therapeutic area. The day was barmy and life changing. We sat in a circle and I began to get really excited that I was going to watch Carl Rodgers on video explaining what  “Absolute Positive Regard” was about. I  remember I cried when I heard him talk.

So in need was I of a sign, that what I believed was the way, and that was very subjective to me.
And yes why wouldn’t you want to be treated with respect and basic human kindness. It all made sense; I was on to something, something big. Something I had not experienced, but knew was part of my authentic self.
As with plants animal so with people we all need feeding one way or another and for me it was human kindness I lacked in my spiritual diet.
His alternative hypothesis is there are as many realities as there are people and people are increasingly “inwardly rejecting the view of one single, culture- approved reality”. I agreed and this is where I was basing my belief system that I am unique to this world and I would just want what we all wanted  respect and the freedom to learn. He coined the term “ The Actualising Tendency” which I seem to have a lot of and have striven for and  been very curious about over the past few years. This is my story of my own learning and development of these features and the active processes that has developed these  capacities in the direction of maintaining, enhancing and reproducing the new real me.

The difficulties I have had has been when these tendencies have been blocked. My attempt at wholeness and towards actualization of my potential has made me the happiest. One of the main reason I attracted both Counselling and Meditation was to explore where I was blocked, and how could I solve these mysteries without language and understanding of who I was, what had happened and how would I get there. Firstly I recognised that I had a concept of myself that was not the “real me” I had learnt to adapt; I had learnt behaviour that was no longer appropriate to my situation and was destructive. They  had been placed there by others because they needed me to believe they were right in order to control me and I had  take these false beliefs on and was being controlled.

 I did not have someone who loved me just for me no matter what I did, and this is where I feel that the need to have approval became greatest. For someone to give me Positive Regard helps me to experience myself as unique and loved. I began a “what if ” life, what if i just did what they wanted me to do I would be loved. I used my iffing to control
my life, and was layed with value judgements and when if I stopped iffing I would start living and accept myself for who I am loved and loveableand unique and so are you.